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12th-Jul-2010 04:34 am - I ...
I probably wont be using this site anymore. Live journal has gotten old. I will only be on here to check Daily_lolita and such. so if you really want to keep in touch with me or w/e please message me on here and i will tell you my new blog.
thank you... 
7th-Aug-2009 11:41 pm - hey
I'm off work finally. annnnnnd I get told my brother made something up about me. -.-
Irritating I know.*sigh* I dont really understand him. We hardly -ever- talk.
but he likes to but into my life. I dont get it. I know its all the big brother thing. but seriously... he never seems to really care any other time. like this time when he reads something way off. *sigh*
I'm rather tired and I -really- dont want to deal with this crap. >.> its like... why?... *sigh*

My feet hurt a lot. My back hurts a lot.
eh i think im going to go. it was a short rant. but I wanted to write it down.  
7th-Aug-2009 12:43 pm - Ah, Friday.
So its finally Friday. Woot!
I have to work from 2 PM to 11 PM today. >.<
You know what doesnt make sense is that the people at walmart saying im working part time but i work 10 hours for four days [once i start working normally it will be 10 PM to 7 AM] but 40 hours is full time isnt it?? O.< I'm so confused on this. but I'm not complain. I love working four days a week xD and at night. I just -hate- waking up in the mornings so early. So this is a good job for me. =]
Tomorrow Ill be seeing Nykki. I might even spend the night at hoshi's. idk yet. Its all up to my friend Hoshi. Her anniversary is tomorrow so who knows. 
I also need to start studying for my permit test again unfortunately. v.v
Not fun. Defintely Not fun. 
I get paid on the week after next. Im pretty excited. x'3 
My dad told me since he has to take me to work all the time that I have to pay for his gas. Which is kind of messed up since its only like 5 minutes away. 
There was other things I was going to say but I forgot them. Haha. Me and my terrible memory >.<... Oh wells. If I remember I will be sure to write it down. =P
I guess I will go and get ready now since its about an hours till I have to go to work. Ill talk to you guys later. 
3rd-Aug-2009 01:03 pm - Hey Again.
So its been a while since I last made a post.
I havent have much to say until now...
Well I have finally gotten a job. Its at wally world xD [walmart] and I start tomorrow at 8 AM. I only work in the mornings for the first week then I start working at 10 Pm to 7 AM after that. Im excited but nervous at the same time. 
I will finally be able to buy my lolita outfits. x'3 YAY! I've already picked out my first 6 outfits haha xD. But besides the lolita outfits I have to save money to buy stuff for an apartment and such. I also, still have to get my permit -.- bleh. Im still not wanting that but I know I need it. v.v 
And I also have to pay for my phone bill. sooooo thats gonna be tons of fun >.>
and I also have to leave room for the bills that I will have to be paying when I do get an apartment >.<" 
and Car insurance and such. bleeeeeeeh. I just remember those bills. CRAAAAAAAP >.< nyaaa Dx
...*sigh* oh well. T.T
Also, I miss Nykki like crazy right now. I said something to him that I regret now.... I told him he lied... and now hes sad... and I think hes mad at me... Idk ... I wish he would talk to me but he doesnt want too.... *sigh* I ruin everything... He says I make him happy but How can I make him happy when he doesnt want to talk to me?? 
Im a horrible girlfriend... I know I am. I wish I could be a better one I just dont know how to be. =/ 
Obviously I cant be myself cause if I do... I wont make him happy... *sigh* I hate myself. It really sucks being the way I am... I wish I could change to where I could be perfect... So that he would be happy with me and I wouldnt make him sad. 
I guess thats all though...
I guess Im going to go now. 
27th-Jul-2009 12:10 pm - I miss him...=[
 *sigh* I had an amazing time with Nykki. It was so romantic. And every day I woke up with a smile and was so happy to there. I was never sad and I never thought about dying.I was just happy to be in his arms. but now.... I'm home again, and I -really- dont want to be. =[ I miss Nykki so much. I didnt want to leave. I miss waking up next to him and seeing his beautiful eyes, and the smile that smile that makes me want to tackle him with kisses... lol... I dont know what Im going to do when he leave me for the navy.... It's going to be so hard. I dont want to be alone. I want to be with him. I want to be able to hug him, cuddle with him. kiss him, i just want to be near him.... but this is going to suck big time. I wont be able to do that for like.... months on end... They better have phones damn it! Not being able to see him is enough torcher... Not being able to hear his voice.... would kill me... 
I know that he wants to do this navy stuff but... god.... it worries the shit out of me... makes me want to cry just thinking about it. uhg... I dont want him to go. He promised he wouldnt get hurt but.... you cant promise a gun wont shoot. or a bomb not blowing up... 
I love him so much, and i really dont want to lose him. I think I'm going to look at the percentage of who dies in the navy... [brb]
....................................."a grand total of 84 active duty usn deaths as of 12/09/07 with 12 being USNR and 72 being USN. "
Oh god.... I think I just made myself worry more =[................ I DONT WANT HIM TO GOOOOOOOOOOO.T.T
And if he does go I want to hide in his suit case and go with him.... =[ I want to protect him myself.... This isnt funny Dx. Nyuuu... =[ I hate this. 
It's so hard to be strong when you think that the one you love the most is out there trying not to get killed. When all your doing is waiting at home for him to return. It drives me insane that I cant do anything to help him. I hate it. Its torcher not knowing what will happen to him. 
*sighs*..........I love him. Im -IN- love with him. And I guess waiting here for him to come home is better than -nothing-. He just better write me every day and call me every night so that I can make sure hes ok and so he wont worry me... 
Anyway.... I suppose I will go. Ill talk to you guys later. 
Bye Bye....
21st-Jul-2009 06:37 pm - $22

$22 dollars
Originally uploaded by Lolita_Chaiki
So... There are 2 more days till meh birfday. And Im super excited. Today, I woke up at like... 1230 and Im still tired. -.- lol. Today has been rather boring. I tried to learn a para para dance today. xD I really want that game. Its looks so much fun x'3. I have also been looking at lolita dresses like always. >.>"
Nykki told me last night that he would get me a lolita dress, since Patrick cant... but.... I dont want him to buy me one. I feel bad. i felt bad even thinking that patrick would get me one. =/ I dont like anyone getting me anything more that $5 >.> I dont think I deserve anything...
And although I -really- want a lolita dress... I dont think I'm meant to get one... Its just another thing to put on my list of impossible things to be/get.
The picture that Im showing you guys is one of the pictures of one lolita dress that is -REALLY- cheap that I want. Its so pretty. My mom thinks its ugly. And that it would only be cute on little kids. She thinks im to old for this stuff... which isnt surprising. she doesnt like anything I like.... I wish she did though.... I've read so many other girls mothers say how much they loved lolita style and how conservative it is, and stuff. But to her, its childish...Everything I love she thinks is childish... *sigh*
But although she thinks its childish she said that I can buy it. -Shes- not going to buy it. -I- have to buy it... But... I dont think I'll be able to buy it.... For some reason. I just keep picturing myself as a house wife type person... Be like my Aunt and work on a farm. She only ever had a couple real jobs. I would love to be like that. I'd be happy.... And although I would be able to buy things. I could be comfortable with the things I have. As long as I had the internet. Id be happy cause you always have everything on the internet ^^". Plus you can window shop from it. lol. xD.
Oh! I forgot. I made myself a phone charm. Its so pretty =]. and I had a care bear on it but I took it off so my dad didnt ask me questions. Ill put it back on later >.>
Anyway, Thats about it. So I guess Ill ttyl. Byes Minna! *waves* =3
20th-Jul-2009 11:38 am - I found...
I found some old poems and other stuff I had written in high school. I thought I would share them with everyone.
Reaching for the light of hope.
The hope of something that would come for me.
To love me and understand me.
I keep reaching to touch something that will never be mine.
What is the reason why...
Why should we live?
Why should we live when everything we do is wrong.
When nothing is good enough.

Why should we love?
Why should we love when all we are going to feel is heart break.
When everything is said and done.
We will be left alone.
Scared to love again.

What is the reason why...?
As I lay here thinking
Thinking about all the sad things in my life...
I reach for something...
Something that will protect me from all the heart break that is coming.
I find no one.
I find nothing
To protect me.
I keep reaching
But no one comes.
I lay there waiting
For something... Someone
Running towards something.
Not knowing what it is.
Hoping thats it not nothing.
Reaching for what is.

As the sun goes down,
I still keep running.
Searching for something,
Hoping that its near.

As I get to the end,
All in darkness,
I still keeping searching,
For something that is not there.
Feeling the rip of my heart
as you tell me you hate me.
Knowing that this is the second time you hurt me.
But even though, I still seem to love you, with all the peices you have ripped apart.
I keep thinking its true,
even though I know its not.
I keep waiting for you to come back.
Saying I love you
And then say not.

To see me in pain and tears.
Does it give you pleasure?
Or do you not even seem to care?
To see me arching in pain
as you laugh and say its over.

Well I tell you I have had enough.
I though you were different
but I guess not.

Reaching for an anchore to hold me in numbness
To surrender and beg for forgivness.
I say "I'm sorry but please no more hurtfulness!"
Crying tears of red
for something I cannot have
watching as it disappears into the darkness.
As the pain in my heart starts to come
feeling as if I am losing everything
Watching it say goodbye for the very last time
wanting it to say something to stop it from leaving
only to collapse to dust
Not being able to move
from this lonely spot
Wanting to disappear forever
never to feel this pain and loneliness again
but instead I just stay and wait for the love
to come back and save me from this hell.
-Standing Here Waiting
In the bright sunlight
waiting for someone to reach out and say
"im here with you till the end of our days"
but I am still standing here waiting in the dark of the night
Hoping to escape this sad and lonely life.
Left waiting
for something to come
here in the rain
for etirnity to come.
I sit here waiting,
in my corset and gown,
for you to come and save me
from this darknes I have grown.
Alone And Waiting.
Alone and Looking At the Sea,
Waiting to see Whats to come of Me
Searching in the sky, along the lines,
Of What I am Suppose to find.
Needing to Understand Why.
Wanting all Of my feelings to Wash Away
My feelings of Love,
My feelings Of Caring,
My feelings Of everything To Disappear
So I can forget forever.

As I run My hands through the sand,
I feel the warmth of the sand at first,
but as I get deeper It starts to get colder,
I start to remember again,
What he had done to me.
How sweet he was at first.
But as we got closer he became colder
And with all his cold heart
He broke my loving one.
Trying to hold on as my heart drowns into the ocean,
Wanting my feelings to drown too.
16th-Jul-2009 07:19 pm - I gots meh hair did!
 O Meh G-sus! I cut off all my hair. Now it really looks like the girls in my icon xD

How does it look?? =3 It was my birfday present from meh sister. x'3  Anyway, not much to say except for my birfday is in 7 days. x'3
but other than that. ill ttyl. bye byes <3
10th-Jul-2009 09:49 pm - Well,
13 Days Till Meh Birfday! *squeels*. Still no skirt T.T. But Taylor told me what he was getting me =D Hes going to get meh a necklace ^.^ Yayyyyyyyy! hehe. =3 And Nykkis is getting me something very romantic x'3. idk what it is yet but I know it has to do with black purple and Blue candles and Petals. {flower petals I bet!!!] x'3. hehe. Im so excited. I gets to stay wif him for a whole weekend for meh birfday. it makes me so happy. I get to see him tomorrow too =D yay!!! I think we are going to go to bays mountain and then do something else. idk though >.<
I found some olllllld pictures of me on some cds too. omg i looked so fugly haha. but i kind of miss my hair short and stuff. it was easy to fix back then xD.
I really hope its not rainy tomorrow >.< Im so tired of rain. bleh. but ya, anyway, lol.... ummmm I have no idea what else to talk about so im gonna go now =P bye byes! *waves* hehe. 
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